Dear uterus, 

It is with regret that I must write you this letter with the intention of lodging a complaint in regards to Incident A (explained below).

I’d like to think that we have had a good working relationship in the past. I mean, I’ve never had terribly bad cramps and while my flow can sometimes be heavy, it is rather brief.  Compared to other women, I’ve always found myself lucky in this department.  You’ve even always given me the courtesy of starting my period in the morning so that I’ve never been in the position of being caught out in public and having to run to a bathroom. At least, until this morning.

This morning I have to admit I was a little surprised at not getting my period. I felt you pinching away and I KNEW I was going to start.  Admittedly, I should have taken preventative measures, but you see you have NEVER let  my period start out of turn so I was thrown off-guard.  And so there I was, sitting on the bus reading Love in the Time of Cholera, when I felt something very familiar.  What was I supposed to do? I WAS ON A BUS.  So I sat there, very uncomfortable indeed, for the next 20 minutes.

While I realize that I’m unable to terminate our contract at this time, this sort of service is not appreciated and I expect better treatment in four weeks’ time.

Regards,

Regular Girl

P.S. Please stop sending hormones to my brain that make me want to have babies. It is having an adverse effect on my relationship with BF.