This morning I was supposed to go swimming with another spouse (in fact, the only one I know who also doesn’t work and doesn’t have children). I sent her a text message to confirm that we would meet at 10 a.m. in the lobby, and she called me to tell me she couldn’t make it because she was offered a job.
(Just a note that as spouses, we can’t work in the private sector here in China, we can only work at the same place our husbands work because of visa restrictions. As you can imagine, there are lots of spouses competing for the very few (menial) jobs available.)
This particular job was advertised when D and I first arrived and I didn’t apply because it’s so beneath my skill level that it’s laughable. Literally, just filing papers and answering phones. I figured (stupidly) that something better would come along. So, the job was given to someone and that someone recently quit because she’s pregnant (what a surprise!) and so they gave the job to my swimming buddy because I guess she was second on the list (she had applied for it way back when).
The thing is, I don’t want the stupid job because that’s what it is; a stupid job. And yet, this morning when I found out I got so angry that I stomped around the house yelling. Just ranting and raving.
And then I curled up on the sofa and cried for a good hour. Poor puppy didn’t know what was going on so he curled himself around my head and licked the tears off my face.
I wasn’t crying about the job, but about the fact that I’ve been reduced to this person who gets upset about not getting a job I didn’t want in the first place. This person who has to go around begging for little contracts here and there; contacts that are ALL beneath my skill level. Contracts that serve nothing in the long term except keeping my hands busy for a couple days.
As I was rocking back and forth on the sofa, I kept repeating, “This can’t be my life, this can’t be my life.”
It’s the first time that I’ve actually broken down like that since being here.
As D was leaving he asked, “Well, have you contacted the Australians or the Brits? They might have contracts available. You’re not even putting yourself out there.” This was really not the most tactful thing to say given my delicate state. I don’t WANT to have to put myself out there over and over again, only to get passed over a million times before I get a shot at a crappy job that does nothing to enhance my CV or further my skills when I HAVE A PERFECTLY GREAT JOB BACK HOME. And to have to do this OVER and OVER again for the next 20 years.
My self-esteem is delicate enough as it is, and the thought of job-hunting again and again just destroys what little confidence I have in my abilities.
I’m going swimming alone. Maybe some physical activity will clear my head a little.
8 Comments
April 1, 2009 at 3:03 pm
It doesn’t have to be your life you know….. what would he do if you asked him to give up his job and get a settled one back home?
April 1, 2009 at 9:20 pm
What would he do if you upped and left?
April 2, 2009 at 9:40 am
I don’t know what he would do. Yesterday over lunch he said, “Maybe you should just go home. At least you would be happy again.” and I felt so BAD. I mean, he’s obviously taking it very personally that I’m having a hard time adjusting, and he’s trying to fix it (guys are fixers, after all), and nothing he does is working for me, and in fact makes it worse…
A lot is going through my mind about my decision to come here… (a post coming up).
April 2, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Yes boys are fixers. They find the emotional aspects of it very hard. You obviously had your reasons for going to China, and it was probably around the make and break of this relationship. It is hard to adjust, the culture is so widly different and the language barriers. I suppose the question is do you want to stay? and only you can answer that xx
April 3, 2009 at 3:20 am
I think you need to stop feeling bad for a while about how he feels and think about how you feel. I think that D will be OK either way – he strikes me as a lot stronger than you are right now and much more able to cope with all of this.
You need to think of YOU and what is going to work for you over the next month and years.
April 9, 2009 at 10:29 am
oooh yor poor thing! it’s hard being in another country. how long have you been there? where’s home? this culture shock thing is normal and it hits people in different ways. i just hope your man is giving you lots of hugs right now. of course, you have two things going on, the culture shock (v v strange place) and the fact that you are out of work and don’t have a routine. i think it will work out for you tho, you seem determined not to be defeated. you have self-belief as well, and with that you can succeed. good luck.
April 11, 2009 at 8:14 am
crazykites – Home is Canada, so being in China is pretty crazy for me, and we’ve been here since September (so I guess around seven months). It’s still incredibly challenging, and lately, to make matters worse, I seems to be getting sinus infecting after sinus infection, followed by digestive problems caused by the food (a nice way to say explosive poop). I’m going to the clinic next week because my body just doesn’t seem to be able to handle the pollution/bacteria here. It’s getting progressively worse to the point where I don’t want to go outside because I know the air will trigger the sinuses and the food will trigger the liquid poop.*sigh* It just seems lose-lose at the moment.
April 11, 2009 at 8:44 pm
ooh no! i’ve been in spain for just over a week and a half and i have a stomach bug thing too, so you have my sympathy 100%. I’m sorry you’re not feeling yourself. I think it’s tougher when you have physical problems because you lose the will to get out and fight. Never been in China, i’ve had acquaintances study over there. I wish I coul recommend something. Have you been home for a visit yet? Is your man giving you enough support. I don’t know what your aha moment could be, but hope it’s a good aha. And not the group.